I haven’t written on here in a while so here it goes.
Basically, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m so excited to be going overseas in less than eight weeks. I’m trying to be a more positive person by thinking of applying for university again (because I was literally too depressed to continue with it last time, but I made up other excuses as to why I quit). I’m making plans to move away, I’m trying really hard to not fall back into a bad routine.
I like Kurtis so much. He’s been so good to me and I’m so lucky.
But, I just don’t know what the fuck to do with anything. There’s a part of me that wants to have a great life and move on from my old ways, but there’s this other part of me that WANTS to fall back into my old ways. It’s so fucked up. A part of me wants to keep hating this life - because how could I learn to love something that has hurt me so much in the past? I miss hurting myself, I miss having nothing going for me because at least once I hit rock bottom there’s nothing else for me to be a failure at. I miss everyone not having expectations of me and I miss not caring.
And as for Kurtis, I’m worried for hurting him. What if I get really bad again? I can’t put him through that. I feel almost selfish, risking a relationship with someone when there’s every chance of me slipping back into my old ways.
Fuck. I don’t know what I’m even saying, this is just a bad night.
I think it’s stupid to assume there isn’t life outside of Earth. Maybe not in our solar system, but scientists have found using enormous telescopes all the other suns out there, and those suns were so big that in comparison our sun was not even visible. And because the suns are so big you obviously can’t see the planets orbiting around them, but there would be thousands. Thousands upon thousands. There would have to be planets in our position, the right distance away. But our technology isn’t that advanced and we won’t know how many planets are orbiting all those suns.
But who’s to say they haven’t found us?
My old teacher from school was telling me this story and it’s going to sound insane but I believed every word. She is a very spiritual woman. When she was younger she met this man who was completely perfect. Everything about him, from looks, to talent, to personality. After many months he told her that he came to Earth because our planet was in need, that he wasn’t from here. That there are so many others like him on our planet, blending in, and trying to help our planet. I can’t remember the details because I was told this story years ago. The day after he told her this, he just vanished. They looked for him, he was no where to be found. He vanished from every photo he was in, as if he hadn’t existed. She said herself and some others who became close to him over those months were the only ones who remembered him.
And then that story ages ago how that plane flew somewhere over the ocean and just vanished. And they called it a triangle of something. All those people on the plane were no where to be found, no signs of it. It was on the radar and it just vanished. And they can’t find out why. Similar to a black hole, like, people are speculating on there being a paradox to a different dimension, a different place. But how did it get there? And what the fuck is through a black hole anyway? A different world?
Fucking blows my mind. I become so philosophical at night. I WANT ANSWERS, DAMN IT.
You know, I went to the beach tonight for dinner with my friends Sarah and Sangeeta and we sat and talked for five hours about literally everything and it made me feel so content. But I’ve come home and I feel… not sad, but something similar, and I think it’s because not only is that not something I’m going to be able to do whenever I want - because people leave and I don’t see them for months at a time - but also because I have realizations sometimes that I have such amazing and extraordinary friends and it saddens me to know that I’ve also lost people in my life who I valued as a friend as equally as the others. And I’m not able to do these simple but lovely things - as in, what I did tonight with some people I deem still just as important in my mind. And I miss them very much, and it makes me feel so many things at once.
How are you going? Are you getting better? What did you do today? I want to ask all these things and more, I want to enjoy being in their company as I once did and to really just make sure they’re ok.
I’m not a perfect person, but no one is. I would like to think I’m a good friend because I try so hard to be. I guess things happen for a reason and it’s made my outlook on life and relationships different but in a much positive way. I feel as though right at this moment, I am the best person I can be and I wish I could tell people that.
I’m glad the people I have in my life, have me. I’m happy to feel wanted. I’m so at peace with everyone around me. But sometimes I wonder where I screwed up down the line and I wish I could make it better.
And before I go to bed I will just write another quick post because this is the first time I’ve been on a laptop in A LONG TIME.
I just felt like letting people know that… I have a cyst in my brain. I’ve been having a lot of MRIs and bone scans and CT scans over the past month or so and I just felt like writing it on my blog. It’s quite large and it’s putting pressure against my pituitary gland - the hormone gland. It’s not definite whether that’s the cause of my period loss, that probably has something to do with my eating habits. But it is fucking up with my hormones and is probably the reason behind my bipolar habits and outbreaks and flaws, and well, not everything, because I myself am already quite fucked up. But I don’t think the cyst in my brain helps. Because a brain is like, everything. Fuck that up and you’re completely screwed. So I guess it has to go. I won’t make another text post about this again until surgery :-)
It’s taken me just over a year but I completely understand why people want to stop being friends with me. I always just turned it around against them and thought of how mean they are as people and felt sorry for myself. But I did it. I am the bad person here. I’m uncontrollably horrible sometimes and if I’m not doing that, I’m being that depressed friend that everyone asks “Are you ok?” even if I’m trying so hard to hide it.
I completely understand.
It took over a year. But I understand.
I guess I always did, I was just in denial. I didn’t want it to be my fault. But it is. I have no one else to blame but myself. I’m a horrible person and I guess I have to live with that. If I were my friend I would have definitely given up on me, too.
My eating habits are getting worse. The voices are coming back. I don’t want to be getting worse again, I don’t want to fall back into the state I was. Everything is so hard and I have no one I can speak to about this.
I’m getting so much worse and no one can even tell. No one even cares. My best friends tell me how great I seem to be lately…
I’m seriously at breaking point and it is getting so hard to hide it. If people could see how I am on my own that might help them realise how bad I’m doing and the way this is going, they probably will. I can’t trust myself any more. Again.
One hour phone call later from Sarah in London and my mood has gone from upset and frustrated to completely happy, knowing I can sleep with a smile on my face. I love that she can be on the other side of the world and still make me laugh and scream and gasp and just feel so much better.
They call it depression. Sadness. Hopelessness.
It’s just a war in your head. No matter the outcome, you lose. There is no happy ending, there is no rejoice. Just you, living with an illness or dying in attempt. It doesn’t go away, the affects are carved into your soul like cement - only worse.
I feel like I can do this, but I’m lying to myself. Work, friends, life. Everything is getting harder, I’m not getting better. I’m nowhere close to getting better. I’m slipping further downwards and there’s nothing stopping me. Nothing.
You know those times when you just want to take someone’s stress and sadness and put it on yourself instead, because it makes you upset to see them sitting there with that emotionless look in their eyes? Because I’m seriously just here wishing I could make it all go away and I can’t do anything at all. You’re too perfect to have all these pressures building up inside you :(